Wifely Submission: Is it one-sided, a form of teamwork or a trap?

I recently listened to a man speak about submission in his 28-year-old marriage, and instead of answering questions, his words provoked many more. Not the defensive kind of questions, but the honest, uncomfortable, necessary ones. Should a husband expect submission automatically from his wife? Are there requirements a man must meet for his wife to submit to him? And perhaps the most rarely asked question of all: is there such a thing as a man submitting to his wife?

These questions matter because submission is one of the most misunderstood and emotionally loaded words in relationships. It has been preached, weaponized, romanticized, and rejected, often without careful thought. Many people hear the word and immediately imagine loss of agency, silence, or inequality. Others hear it and assume authority, entitlement, and obedience. Somewhere between these extremes lies a deeper, more honest understanding.

Here was the man’s take:

He said he dies a slow death every time he hears women say they can’t submit. To him, submission does not mean to give up; it means to give over. The problem, he argued, is that most people don’t understand the word. Submission, in his view, is the highest form of teamwork.

Then he said something that disrupted the usual narrative.

“I submit to my wife all day.”

According to him, his wife sets everything in their home: the thermostat, the sleeping arrangement, which side of the bed they sleep on, physical touch, the sex schedule, the food, everything that moves the house. He described an entire day of submitting to his wife’s comfort, preferences, and rhythms. And they’ve been together for 28 years.

He added, “I expect her to submit about specific areas because I submit to her all day. It’s a dance.”

That word dance changes the entire conversation.

Because a dance implies movement, awareness, responsiveness, and mutual effort. No one drags their partner across the floor. No one dances alone and calls it partnership. A dance requires listening, timing, adjustment, and trust.

This raises the first perhaps uncomfortable but important question: if a man expects submission, what is he submitting to first?

The man went further. He argued that when a woman says she cannot submit to her man, she reveals something spiritual about herself. His reasoning was simple, though controversial: you chose him. If submission feels impossible, that’s not entirely a him problem, it’s also a you problem, because you chose him. This statement challenges modern dating culture, where choice is emphasized but responsibility for that choice is often avoided.

Yet this is where a distinction is required.

Choice alone does not obligate endurance of harm, manipulation, or irresponsibility. Submission cannot exist where safety, trust, and respect are absent. The idea that a wife should submit automatically without considering the character, maturity, and leadership of the husband reduces submission to compliance. And compliance does not sound to me as being biblical, relational, or healthy.

Which brings me to the second question: are there requirements a man must meet to receive submission?

If submission is truly teamwork, then leadership must be service. A man who expects submission without offering emotional safety, consistency, accountability, and sacrificial care is not leading, he is demanding. I would think that submission responds naturally to trust not thrive under fear, like kasongo's government.

The man in the conversation seemed to understand this, even if some listeners missed it. He did not describe a wife shrinking herself. He described a man orienting his daily life around the comfort and well-being of his wife. He framed submission not as hierarchy, but as mutual accommodation.

Which leads to the third question: is there such a thing as a man submitting to his wife?

According to his testimony, yes, and it happens constantly. This is certainly a unique outlook but what most men may experience quietly.

He submits to her comfort. Her physical boundaries. Her preferences. Her rhythms. Her needs. Not because he is weak, but because partnership demands it. In that sense, i think submission is not gendered, it is relational. Whoever loves well submits often.

This reframes submission as responsiveness rather than control. As listening rather than ruling. As humility rather than dominance.

Early in their relationship, he said, both of them had to learn what the word meant. That detail matters. Submission was not automatic. It was learned. Negotiated. Practiced. Refined. Over time, it became a rhythm rather than a rule.

And perhaps that is the real issue we may have today: we want instant submission without shared understanding. We want outcomes without process. We want roles without relationship.

My be, just may be submission, when healthy, is not enforced. It is invited. It grows in environments where both people feel seen, heard, and valued. It collapses where power replaces partnership. 

So maybe the better question isn’t, “Should a wife submit?” but rather, “Are we dancing or are we stepping on each other’s toes?”

Because when submission becomes a dance, both partners move forward. And when it becomes a demand, the music stops. 

So what of the men that have learnt that submission is expected from the onset of a relationship, where do they begin to learn, negotiate, practice and refine the idea of submission from their wives. What should they teach their sons if they are yet to grasp this new angle on submission in marriage or relationships?