Trapped by Expectations: How Society Polices Every Choice Women Make

Women get shamed for not having children.

Women also get shamed for having many children.

Women get shamed for not getting married.

Women get shamed when the marriage doesn’t work.

This contradiction is not incidental—it is structural. It reveals the uncomfortable truth that much of society does not actually love women. What it loves are the roles women are expected to perform: mother, wife, caregiver, nurturer, and when those roles are questioned, rejected, or fail to meet rigid expectations, society retaliates with shame. The global story of womanhood is thus a story of no-win situations, where every choice is scrutinized and every deviation punished. The haunting question lingers: Does anyone even like women, including women themselves?

Motherhood as a No-Win Expectation

Across cultures, motherhood is held up as the pinnacle of womanhood. Women who do not have children—by choice or by circumstance—are branded as incomplete, selfish, or even cursed. They are pitied, gossiped about, and excluded from social spaces where motherhood is the assumed identity. Yet the same societies that pressure women to reproduce are often quick to condemn those who have “too many” children, especially in contexts of poverty. In many African and South Asian countries, mothers of large families are dismissed as irresponsible, while in the West, they are sometimes mocked for being “breeders” or portrayed as drains on public resources.

This contradiction lays bare the hypocrisy: women are not valued for their choices, only for fulfilling an impossible balance that others have set. The shame attached to motherhood—both its absence and abundance—shows how women’s bodies are treated as public property, open to constant commentary and regulation.

The Marriage Trap

Marriage is another domain where women face relentless policing. A woman who remains unmarried past a certain age is cast as undesirable, lonely, or “left on the shelf.” The spinster stereotype persists globally, from Western rom-coms that frame marriage as the ultimate happy ending to African and Asian communities where an unmarried daughter is seen as a family disgrace.

Yet marriage itself offers no shield. Women in unhappy unions are told to endure for the sake of children or respectability, while those who leave abusive or unfulfilling marriages face condemnation for “failing.” Divorce, even in modern societies, is more likely to stain a woman’s reputation than a man’s. In patriarchal cultures, the divorced woman becomes suspect—her character questioned, her morality doubted, her opportunities narrowed.

The message is clear: a woman’s worth is always contingent on her marital status, but there is no outcome that guarantees her dignity.

Cultural Contradictions and the Policing of Choice

These contradictions are not unique to one region or religion. They are global. In the West, women are criticized for being “too career-oriented” if they delay marriage and children, but also shamed as “unambitious” if they prioritize family over professional advancement. In conservative societies, women are expected to marry young and have children early, yet also blamed for contributing to overpopulation or poverty when they follow those prescriptions.

Everywhere, the policing of women’s choices exposes a double standard. Men are rarely shamed for being unmarried, childless, or divorced. Their decisions are framed as independence, freedom, or personal preference. Women’s decisions, however, are cast as moral statements—subject to judgment, ridicule, or pity.

This double bind points to a deeper issue: women’s lives are not treated as their own. Their decisions are seen as social property, subject to collective ownership and control.

Internalized Misogyny: When Women Police Themselves

One of the most painful aspects of this system is that women themselves often become its enforcers. Mothers-in-law pressure daughters-in-law to have children. Older women shame younger ones for being “too modern” or “too loose.” Women gossip about one another’s marital failures or reproductive choices, perpetuating the cycle of judgment.

This internalized misogyny is the product of generations of conditioning. When women grow up in societies that measure their value through male approval, they learn to police one another to survive. By shaming others, they attempt to conform more closely to accepted roles themselves. Yet this dynamic reveals a tragic reality: women are often forced into complicity with systems that harm them, and in turn, become agents of their own oppression.

The Illusion of Progress

It is tempting to think that modernity and feminism have resolved these contradictions. In some ways, progress has been made. Women in many parts of the world have greater access to education, professional careers, and reproductive rights. Movements like #MeToo and global campaigns for gender equality have brought attention to systemic injustices.

Yet beneath the surface, the contradictions remain. Women CEOs are asked how they “balance” motherhood and leadership, while their male counterparts are never asked about fatherhood. Women in politics face scrutiny for their personal lives in ways men rarely do. Female celebrities are shamed for weight gain after childbirth or for remaining childless, with their personal lives treated as public property.

Even in spaces of supposed liberation, women are reminded that their bodies and choices remain up for debate. The age-old message lingers: there is no right way to be a woman.

Why This Reveals Contempt for Women

Taken together, these contradictions reveal an unsettling truth: society does not actually love women—it loves their functions. The admiration, respect, and validation women receive are almost always tied to what they do for others: bear children, support husbands, provide care, look beautiful. When they step outside of these functions—or when their lives do not align with rigid expectations—they are punished.

This conditional love is not love at all; it is a transactional arrangement. Women are accepted only when they serve roles assigned to them, not for their inherent worth as human beings. The global contempt for women is not always expressed in explicit hatred; it is embedded in the subtle ways society refuses to accept women as autonomous beings.

Toward a World That Truly Respects Women

If women are to be free from these contradictions, societies must confront the roots of this contempt. That means dismantling the belief that a woman’s value lies in her reproductive or marital status. It requires rejecting the idea that women exist to serve roles, rather than to live as full human beings with individual desires, ambitions, and complexities.

This transformation must happen at multiple levels. Families must raise daughters—and sons—to understand that worth is not conditional on marriage or parenthood. Media must stop glorifying women only in relational terms (“wife of,” “mother of”) and celebrate them as individuals. Governments must create policies that respect reproductive autonomy, protect women from marital coercion, and promote gender equality in all spheres. Religious and cultural leaders must stop weaponizing tradition to enforce conformity, and instead preach dignity and respect for all.

Above all, women themselves must reclaim their narratives. By refusing to internalize shame, by supporting rather than judging one another, women can break the cycle of oppression. Solidarity among women is essential to dismantling the structures that profit from division and self-policing.

Does Anyone Even Like Women?

The contradictions of shame—too few children, too many children, unmarried, divorced—reveal that no choice women make will ever satisfy a society built on misogyny. The haunting question remains: Does anyone even like women? The answer, tragically, is that much of the world does not like women as people. It only likes the services women provide, the roles they play, the obedience they perform.

To truly like women is to accept them in their entirety: married or unmarried, mothers or childfree, traditional or modern, successful or struggling. To like women is to honor their autonomy, their individuality, their humanity. Anything less is conditional, and conditional acceptance is just another form of contempt.

The work ahead is immense, but it is necessary. A society that continues to shame women for every choice will never achieve justice, peace, or true progress. For humanity to evolve, we must move beyond the double binds and contradictions and begin to love women—not for what they do, but for who they are.